Just when you think you’re getting it all together another bomb drops. Everything that Cecil and I have been through within the last year and a half, has taken a toll on us and our marriage. To my SHOCK, Cecil asked me for a separation tonight. Another devastating blow, our marriage is ending. No counseling, no nothing, he just doesn't want to be married any longer. He's had enough.
Apparently he has been very unhappy for awhile. He has decided that it would be best to separate as he has not been fully satisfied in our relationship with all the crap but who's been happy????
He is a very good person and has loved me and the family dearly. We love each other as best friends, but he just wants out of this whole situation. I have come to terms with how much I will miss him in my life.
For a time, until we get things situated, it will make it hard in that we will have to see each other, but once it’s done I can have a clean separation period and the transition from then will be easier.
It’s easy to write this now and helps me articulate it, but come tomorrow morning and when things become final, I know I will fall apart. We want to make it as easy and clean as possible, and treat each other with the respect and kindness we deserve.
Prayers are needed. I know that Jesus is holding my hand.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Saturday, May 16, 2009
The Climb...
Depression is painful. It eats you up inside.
We're all on a journey. Sometimes we feel that we have "arrived." Millions of people live with chronic pain and all its daily repercussions. It takes a certain kind of courage to live this way and try to live a productive life. These people live with depression, pain, and isolation. I am attempting to explain how I allowed my life to descend into pain and pick up again and reclaim life. I share with you my story because in some way, there is a wide-range connection between all of us.
I was sad because I was invisible.
I was convinced that life is a constant series of disappointments.
I was sad because I was scared of everything.
I was sad because everything is an obstacle, and I cannot see it any other way.
I feel guilty because I have no 9-5 job to go to.
I walk with the constant pain of so much wasted potential, and the conviction that life and times were passing me by.
I was drowning in the past, and could not see anything of pleasure or success in the future.
Please copy and paste to your browser where I was:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8bIEOrTG3k
Eventually the darkness lifts and I return to my own special version of normal, forgetting for a time what it was like to spiral down until a Black Day, comes around again. Just when I feel that I'm making real progress in my life it happens again, and I can't remember or imagine ever feeling well. I decided that it might help to keep a written record of my "episodes," both to validate my experience in my own mind and perhaps offer patterns and clues that might help the next person. I thought that I would post these accounts; I’m thinking that releasing my experience into a blog-world might help dilute its power.
In all the stops and starts of life, one thing is certain: The choices we make along the way greatly affect the journey's outcome. And the most important choice we will ever make is about our relationship with God.
Next - STAYING ON THE PATH OF GROWTH…
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
My Story
So many chances; so many bad decisions!
In November, 2006, I decided to take my working career to Florida. Naturally, I made this decision without an organized plan. My thoughts were: WOW, this is great, it is unnecessary for me to swim out to the boat, the boat is coming to me. In the end, this decision became a nightmare, which I believed was beyond repair. Following my unexpected layoff, of which I had no control of, I experienced an overwhelming amount of guilt and depression to the point I COULD NOT get out of bed. My emotions increased with no relief and surely interfered with my daily living. I became uncontrollable. This situation affected my life dramatically. Cecil was already in NJ since it was a necessity to live with our daughter. I praise God every day for her offer. Being alone through this situational depression, God, my neighbors, friends, church family, and my family were a God send. There was no question that I was sinking fast, I was just plan numb. My heaviest thoughts were not having any money to buy groceries, or pay our bills. I knew that eventually we were going to lose everything, and we did. There were times that we counted coins to buy gas for our cars.
Due to the fact that the US Postal Service did not make relocation transfers available, Cecil had no alternative but to retire from his job of 9 years. He had worked hard to turn out to be an assistant manager. He was offered to continue his position in PA however; we had already moved to Florida. To make matters even worse, we purchased a beautiful home in Venice, FL not knowing the economy would take a drastic drop. I had no motivation to set goals or to “Fall Forward.”
Every morning I woke up feeling bewildered. Was this reality or am I just dreaming. I had surmountable thoughts in my head, my heart pounding, scared, confused, and extremely fearful. In my head, Satan would tell me; you will lose everything and at your age, your career is over, you are worthless.” I believed him; WHY, because Satan is alive and well and will distort our lives whenever we ALLOW him to. Everything that Cecil and I had worked hard for would be gone. This frightful twist of fate threw a stressful curve ball between Cecil and me.
As months passed, I sold practically everything we owned. People bought our brand new possessions at a steal; however, you do anything to survive.
I continued to pray however; there were times when my heart would SCREAM out to God: “Where are you?” True story: One day while on my knees in prayer, a voice asked me “Where was I when you made this decision, when you bought a house and furniture, when you purchased a new car?” At that point, I realized that I had failed to pray and asked God for His opinion on any of these decisions. With an agonizing heart, I prayed for His wisdom. Because of this new insight to our situation, my mind totally abandoned the thought of losing all these “material” belongings which I acquired through my own greed. I concluded that my heart was not right with God.
I stared to aggressively seek God. I accepted the responsibility for this mistake and asked God’s, and Cecil’s forgiveness. My most difficult journey was forgiving myself!!! I realized that even though I made this life changing mistake, that God would turn this around and get us back on track. He will make this mistake somehow work out for our good.
With prayer and God’s wisdom, I have started seeing myself in a different way. It is about believing in me again and knowing that God will not fail me or abandoned me.
To be continued…
In November, 2006, I decided to take my working career to Florida. Naturally, I made this decision without an organized plan. My thoughts were: WOW, this is great, it is unnecessary for me to swim out to the boat, the boat is coming to me. In the end, this decision became a nightmare, which I believed was beyond repair. Following my unexpected layoff, of which I had no control of, I experienced an overwhelming amount of guilt and depression to the point I COULD NOT get out of bed. My emotions increased with no relief and surely interfered with my daily living. I became uncontrollable. This situation affected my life dramatically. Cecil was already in NJ since it was a necessity to live with our daughter. I praise God every day for her offer. Being alone through this situational depression, God, my neighbors, friends, church family, and my family were a God send. There was no question that I was sinking fast, I was just plan numb. My heaviest thoughts were not having any money to buy groceries, or pay our bills. I knew that eventually we were going to lose everything, and we did. There were times that we counted coins to buy gas for our cars.
Due to the fact that the US Postal Service did not make relocation transfers available, Cecil had no alternative but to retire from his job of 9 years. He had worked hard to turn out to be an assistant manager. He was offered to continue his position in PA however; we had already moved to Florida. To make matters even worse, we purchased a beautiful home in Venice, FL not knowing the economy would take a drastic drop. I had no motivation to set goals or to “Fall Forward.”
Every morning I woke up feeling bewildered. Was this reality or am I just dreaming. I had surmountable thoughts in my head, my heart pounding, scared, confused, and extremely fearful. In my head, Satan would tell me; you will lose everything and at your age, your career is over, you are worthless.” I believed him; WHY, because Satan is alive and well and will distort our lives whenever we ALLOW him to. Everything that Cecil and I had worked hard for would be gone. This frightful twist of fate threw a stressful curve ball between Cecil and me.
As months passed, I sold practically everything we owned. People bought our brand new possessions at a steal; however, you do anything to survive.
I continued to pray however; there were times when my heart would SCREAM out to God: “Where are you?” True story: One day while on my knees in prayer, a voice asked me “Where was I when you made this decision, when you bought a house and furniture, when you purchased a new car?” At that point, I realized that I had failed to pray and asked God for His opinion on any of these decisions. With an agonizing heart, I prayed for His wisdom. Because of this new insight to our situation, my mind totally abandoned the thought of losing all these “material” belongings which I acquired through my own greed. I concluded that my heart was not right with God.
I stared to aggressively seek God. I accepted the responsibility for this mistake and asked God’s, and Cecil’s forgiveness. My most difficult journey was forgiving myself!!! I realized that even though I made this life changing mistake, that God would turn this around and get us back on track. He will make this mistake somehow work out for our good.
With prayer and God’s wisdom, I have started seeing myself in a different way. It is about believing in me again and knowing that God will not fail me or abandoned me.
To be continued…
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Climbing The Ladder
Are you climbing the ladder for success? If so, make sure the ladder is leaning against the right wall before the prior rungs break off.
We’re all on the “replacement” list. You just want to stay off the top of it.
Sports players, actors, all of us in some way have scheduled hours to “prove” ourselves. Do you ever feel insecure, fear of failing? Many, if not all, ask the question: “How’d I do on that?” All of us are looking for affirmation.
Did these people just “jump” into their careers? Don’t think so!!! Most of us, including myself, have taken a “wide-range” approach that we easily understand thus falling into our own “comfort zone.” As your schedule permits, read the beginning of several actors/actresses: Dustin Hoffman, Barbra Streisand, and Robert De Niro. Starting out, most of these people slept in the cars.
Case Story #1
True story, the name has been changed:
A friend of mine who I’ll call Mia, complains about her job “ALL” the time. She literally HATES her job and every day is a struggle. I asked her what she really would like to do of which she had no idea. All she knew was that she didn’t want to stay in this job for the rest of her life.
I gave her baby-step suggestions – I told her in order to get into the clerical field, she’ll definitely need to know Microsoft Office. Matter of fact, today knowing Office is an essential part of life. I told her to order Video Professor which would teach her in her own scheduled time frame in her own home.
No interest shown!!! I suggested that she attend a one day seminar such as Fred Prior/Career Track, or Skill Path regarding anything that would help her growth, such as, Communication Skills for Women. Again, no interest shown.
I’ve concluded that she wants to continue to complain and stay in her “comfort zone.”
Case Story #2
Again true story, the name has been changed:
Kayla is on unemployment. Although she feels weary and tired working in a company environment (as I do,) she is searching for this type of position (as I am, sort of.)
Since she has an overwhelming passion for animals, I suggested that she speak with her Vet and volunteer her services as a Vet Assistant. I told her that this would allow her to acquire a feel for this type of job in addition to increasing her experience. This experience could create unlimited opportunities.
As of today, I’m not certain of her plan nor is she.
I’ll leave you with this thought: http://www.dash-movie.com/.
We’re all on the “replacement” list. You just want to stay off the top of it.
Sports players, actors, all of us in some way have scheduled hours to “prove” ourselves. Do you ever feel insecure, fear of failing? Many, if not all, ask the question: “How’d I do on that?” All of us are looking for affirmation.
Did these people just “jump” into their careers? Don’t think so!!! Most of us, including myself, have taken a “wide-range” approach that we easily understand thus falling into our own “comfort zone.” As your schedule permits, read the beginning of several actors/actresses: Dustin Hoffman, Barbra Streisand, and Robert De Niro. Starting out, most of these people slept in the cars.
Case Story #1
True story, the name has been changed:
A friend of mine who I’ll call Mia, complains about her job “ALL” the time. She literally HATES her job and every day is a struggle. I asked her what she really would like to do of which she had no idea. All she knew was that she didn’t want to stay in this job for the rest of her life.
I gave her baby-step suggestions – I told her in order to get into the clerical field, she’ll definitely need to know Microsoft Office. Matter of fact, today knowing Office is an essential part of life. I told her to order Video Professor which would teach her in her own scheduled time frame in her own home.
No interest shown!!! I suggested that she attend a one day seminar such as Fred Prior/Career Track, or Skill Path regarding anything that would help her growth, such as, Communication Skills for Women. Again, no interest shown.
I’ve concluded that she wants to continue to complain and stay in her “comfort zone.”
Case Story #2
Again true story, the name has been changed:
Kayla is on unemployment. Although she feels weary and tired working in a company environment (as I do,) she is searching for this type of position (as I am, sort of.)
Since she has an overwhelming passion for animals, I suggested that she speak with her Vet and volunteer her services as a Vet Assistant. I told her that this would allow her to acquire a feel for this type of job in addition to increasing her experience. This experience could create unlimited opportunities.
As of today, I’m not certain of her plan nor is she.
I’ll leave you with this thought: http://www.dash-movie.com/.
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